Thursday, June 17, 2010

When The Floor Drops Out From Under You

      So things in the last week have made life well.... hard to say the least. Things have started to pile up to the point that I start to wonder when I might just crack. We all know that life is never just easy. There are hurdles that start to get in our way and we have to simply take them one at a time until we reach that straight stretch again with nothing in our way. Right now the hurdles are one on top of another, a pile if you must, and it reaches to the sky. It started with a minor problem, having one of those weeks at the bakery where I am doing my 12 week internship. While there were things going right throughout the day, it would be the one bad thing that I screwed up that would ruin everything that went right. Yes I am the intern, a person that is supposed to be learning. I have to keep telling myself that. Everything that was going wrong mainly stemmed from a lack of information about the ways things were supposed to done at this location. Okay, fine, I can fix that. Lesson learned. But at the same time I am a perfectionist and one wrong move will make me kick my own ass for days.
       While this was happening, and I was trying to tell myself that I had still made the right decision as a baker and not to retire after 5 weeks, I got more news. Tigger, our cat that had decided he loved it at my parents house so much he was moving in permanently, was missing. While he was no longer living with us I still considered him one of my "kids". Yes I am one of those crazy ones that considers my pets as my kids. These little guys may be as close as I might ever get to having kids in my lifetime so therefor they are my kids. No I don't dress them up.... okay maybe once or twice as a hilarious joke.... but I love them as one of my own. So the thought that one of my own was out in the world by himself, lost, or worse made me lose it. A panic attack kicked in and I balled my eyes out. Two days later and he has yet to be found. I can hope someone found him and took him in as their own but in my mind, the worst case scenario always kicks in first. And then, it only got worse.
       The worst news I could hear simply put me into a full shock mode last night and only now am I starting to be able to comprehend everything. My mom let me know she found a lump, and a biopsy is being done on Monday to see if it's indeed breast cancer. She had went to the doctor yesterday and they said it didn't look good and wanted further testing. They said it was only in one area which was a good thing but that one area was not good. Luckily in today's society, where breast cancer is becoming more and more frequent, there is a much higher percentage of women that are living through this and going on to lead normal... healthy lives. After watching my mother-in-law fight this like a champ, with two different types of breast cancer and not given very good possibilities to make it through, I know my mom can do the same. My mother-in-law has been in remission for some time and has moved on with life... enjoying playing with her grand kids among other things! When my mom told us I couldn't say anything cause of the sheer shock, thinking this was happening to my mom of all people is at the top of worse things to happen. But both myself and Max will be with her through this process every step of the way and we love her very much. Hopefully she knows that, since I have never been good about expressing my feelings (and better at writing it!). This will be an easy fight, so she can get on with life.
       So today, luckily, I got an extra day off and I am spending it at home. Emotionally and physically drained, I need to have a pajama day with my kitties while I knit away. The only way to calm down right now is to knit, and keep knitting. I need to be strong for my mom, I need to be strong while we try to find Tigger, and I need to know I can bake the hell out of anything I want and I just need to give this baking thing time to sink in at this new job. Life will get better, for everyone. It's time to start climbing the hill of hurdles cause I will make it over them, to move on with life.

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